California dreaming

As a lost sheep myself 30 years ago, I wasn’t in total darkness. That would mean being completely without hope or discouraged. Discouragement is the greatest tool of the devil. Peter and Judas committed the same sin of betraying Jesus; the difference is that Peter didn’t lose hope. Thankfully, I didn’t lose hope. My light at the time was California. It was my hope. I had always dreamed of going there. I was actually speaking regularly with a friend in San Diego who was inviting me to move out there. All of a sudden, my bags were packed and I was actually going to start a new life out West.

I remember being excited about seeing my friend, taking in beautiful Cali waves and beaches, and just being in a much more chill environment. I have to admit, though, the biggest thought on my mind with the whole move was getting out of here. And here meant the dead-end, hopeless, sad, carousing, underachieving, wasteful state in which I was. For some reason I thought that 3,000 miles away and a change of geographic states would change my state of being.

In the brief time that I had my bags packed, I had breakfast with a good priest friend, Fr. Tom Wells. He was as much of a character to me as he was a priest. He goes way back with my dad’s family and stepped in as a father figure when my dad died. I’d always seen him as a cool guy who was very smart and wise. I told Fr Wells about the California trip and he pretty much mocked me for it. That was FW. He would be mostly playful, but would put things so clearly to people that they had to get it. And, I got it: California is a bad idea. A change of scenery is not going to change my heart or habits. He was right. But, I didn’t care because I was so done with this place. I was so tired of feeling like a failure, being so uninterested in life, and having no plan for the future. This place was darkness and California was light.