Enveloped in darkness

The realization as a 20 year old that I was in darkness came from such a close experience with death (of my father). A pall was placed over my life like one is placed on a casket. My world went from light, fun, and innocent happiness to darkness, seriousness, and sadness. I was pretty much consumed with the effects of death because my life itself was an effect of my dad’s death. I thought a lot about heaven and being there with my dad, and maybe that was some kind of light. I didn’t seriously consider accelerating my time to go via suicide, but I did ponder the emotions people would have if I was gone. Looking back on all this now, I see how selfish that was. It was a very emotional time, and I let my emotions run the show for a while in being overly self-centered.

You can probably imagine as a young 17-20 year old grieving my father’s death and enveloped in darkness, I developed habits that didn’t help. In fact, they did more harm than good. They brought more darkness than light. I honestly just wanted out of the darkness. Anyone in darkness wants to see the light. Anyone in depression wants to have hope. Anyone who is filled with anxiety and fear wants peace and calmness. Even just for a moment.

I went for the moment. I chose the short-cut to happiness. I wanted a quick fix for my pain. I was in for the short game, not the long game. The short game is called pleasure, the long game is called happiness. The first is easier, the second is much harder. The first one doesn’t last; that’s why people keep going back to it. The second one – happiness – does last and is worth the effort. It is a true light in our darkness.